Lost In The Translation
by Jeanny
Summary: Four brief vignettes involving Buffy/Angel characters and signs actually spotted in foreign countries...pure silliness!
1. Lost in the Translation I: Buffy in Aust...

Title: Lost in the Translation

Author: Jeanny

Parts: 4

Spoilers: Season 5 through The Body

Rating: PG

Feedback: Yes, please! jeannygrrl@hotmail.com

Distribution: Go ahead, I don't mind, just credit me and tell me where it's going.

Disclaimer: Although characters having words presence not of myself, others have use them for money. Merely tootling my horn. (Translation: please don't sue me, I'm making no money from any of this!)

Summary: Four brief vignettes involving Buffy/Angel characters and signs actually spotted in foreign countries...pure silliness!

Dedication: For Bluerose, who made me laugh with the signs and inspired all this nonsense. You rock, my sistah!

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Lost in Translation I: Buffy in Austria

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Sign in an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:  
NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION.  
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Buffy raised her knife. The brightly colored figure cowered in fear.

"There will be no Ascension on my watch, got it buddy? Now be a good demon and die for me-" 

"Stop! Buffy, don't!" A harried looking Giles ran down the hall toward them. Buffy looked mildly put out.

"Giles, you told me I had to stop anyone wearing the Boots of Ascension from perambulating the corridors in the hours of repose. I admit, I didn't get that, but look! Demon! Perambulating! I kill now!"

"Buffy, I may have misunderstood...that is not a demon."

"Giles, look at it. Look at its feet!"

"Those are ski boots, Buffy." Buffy stared at the cowering man, who was verging on passing out.

"Please don't kill me," the skier managed to say in halting English.

"Oh," Buffy said softly, her face coloring in embarrassment as she realized she was holding a knife to the man with no real explanation. Thinking fast, she continued, "Oh! What are you thinking, clunking around the hotel in those things at this time of night? People are trying to sleep around here! Management's not kidding around, you know! Now get out of here." The man ran away as fast as his ski boots would allow, as Buffy called after him one more time.

"And next time, read the sign!"

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Sign at the end of my fic:

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	2. Lost in the Translation II: Anya in Rome

Disclaimer: You like these characters? You think these characters be mighty nice, eh? They not belong to me, but for you, I use them for story, okay?

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Lost in Translation II: Anya in Rome

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Sign in a laundry in Rome:

LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME 

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"Magic Box, your one stop sh-"

"Giles? Giles, thank God it's you." Giles strained to hear the voice on the static-filled line.

"Xander? Is that you?"

"Yes, it's me. Xander. I mean it's us."

"Xander, we didn't expect to hear from you so soon. How's the honeymoon going?" There was another loud burst of static, and Giles thought he heard Anya yelling, "It's a conspiracy, I tell you!" in the background, along with sounds of men yelling.

"Um...not so good, Giles. Does the Watcher's Council have any pull in Italy, by any chance?" Giles removed his glasses and put the heel of his palm to his forehead, closing his eyes. He sighed in resignation.

"What's happened?"

"I'm afraid...well, there's no good way to...don't say I told you so..."

"Xander, please, just...say it."

"They're trying to arrest Anya."

"For God's sakes, why?" Another burst of shouting and the sounds of a struggle followed, and suddenly Anya was wailing into the phone.

"Giles? Giles, it's a big frame-up, I only did what they said..."

"Signora, please, you must put on your clothes, this is a public place," Giles heard a thick Italian accent say, and he made a choking sound. It sounded as if Anya had dropped the phone, but Giles could still faintly hear what was going on. Anya shrieked in fury.

"But the sign said to leave my clothes here...I just want to have sex with my husband!"

"Not in the laundry, Signora!" Giles dropped the receiver and fell to the floor laughing. He could hear the tinny sounds of Anya shouting from the other end.

"It's un-American to lie in advertising! I am NOT enjoying my afternoon!"

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	3. Lost in the Translation III: Cordy in Na...

Disclaimer: Not mine...not making money. You wanna make something of it?

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Lost in Translation III: Cordy in Nairobi

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Sign in a restaurant in Nairobi:  
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER

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"Miss, I was wondering-" The waitress cut Angel off with a wave of her hand.

"Bite me," she said as she walked away. Cordelia's mouth dropped open for a moment as she stared at the waitress' retreating form, then she looked angrily back and forth between a sheepish Angel and The Host, who looked highly amused.

"Oh. My. God. She just...I just...I don't...Have you ever met anyone that rude?"

"I don't think she meant to be rude," Angel said. Lorne and Cordelia both snorted in response. "It could just be...cultural differences," the vampire finished defensively.

"Angel. Sweet Buns. We may be in D.D.A., my friend, but take it from someone who knows a bit about foreign lands and travel protocols: there's nowhere in any universe where 'Bite Me' equals 'Have a Nice Day,' except maybe in some of your more banal vampire cliques." Cordelia nodded, reading a sign that was posted on the back wall in several languages.

"Exactly. And at least there's something I can do about it!" Cordelia answered, standing up and throwing her napkin down on the table. "I'll be right back, boys. Gonna have a little talk to the manager." Angel and Lorne looked at each other for a moment after she stormed away.

"Love to see a girl who won't take bad service lying down," The Host said admiringly, sipping his coffee.

"I have to ask. D.D.A.?" Angel asked in confusion. Lorne grinned.

"Deepest Darkest Africa, Angelcakes. Speaking of which, this place could do with a bit more lighting, and maybe some less heavy...curtains..." The two men stared at each other for a long moment.

"You don't think..." Angel started.

"Never heard of vamps feeding people without that little word 'on' being involved...still, what if..." The green-skinned demon never got to finish as Angel stood from the table and went running towards the manager's office. He heard Cordelia shout as he arrived, and broke the door in, Lorne at his heels. The both stopped short to see Cordelia, stake in hand, kicking at a pile of dust at her feet. She looked up at them, her face flush with anger.

"Unbelievable!" she said, continuing to kick the dust pile. Both Angel and Lorne sighed in relief to see she was unharmed.

"Manager was a vamp, we know," Angel agreed.

"Not that! He told me I shouldn't worry about the waitress being rude, because from the looks of me I could stand to miss a few meals! Can you believe that! I mean, how rude is that!"

"Well, I still say it could be cultural differences." His companions looked at Angel in disbelief, then began walking out of the restaurant. Angel followed after taking one last glance at the sign Cordelia had read earlier.

"And anyway, the sign did indicate that the manager would be..."

"Shut up, Angel!" The vampire grinned to himself, the put on a mock-hurt expression.

"That's kind of rude. You know, the restaurant's in the market for new management..."

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	4. Lost in the Translation IV: Spike in Tok...

Disclaimer: Merely tootling my horn. For free. No money.

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Lost in Translation IV: Spike in Tokyo

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Written in a car rental brochure from Tokyo:

WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOR

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"Bloody Hell!" Spike slammed on the brakes, nearly causing his head to hit the windshield. He briefly slipped into this vampire face just from irritation.

"What is it, my dearest Spike?" Dru's eyes fluttered open and she leaned onto his arm. His human mask slipped back into place and his expression softened as he looked down at her.

"Bloody wankers keep walking in front of the car. Never seen so many humans before in my unlife. Except at parades. And Disneyland. And Woodstock...I think..."

"They heave in sight?" Drusilla looked up with glee. "Like the magic book said they would."

"They did at Woodstock." Spike peered curiously through the windshield. "Well, that one looks a bit under the weather, but none of them look like they're gonna lose dinner or anything. Speaking of which, I'm thinking it's time I go get us something to eat."

"No, Spike. The magic book whispered its secrets, and Miss Edith is so excited. I have what you need." Drusilla lovingly placed Miss Edith aside and opened a black case she had hidden at her feet. She presented the contents to Spike

"That's a bleedin trumpet, pet." 

"There's to be music, Miss Edith. Melodious trumpeting from my Spike," Dru sang out.

"Dru, pet, I don't know." Dru's face showed the beginnings of a pout.

"The book sings to me, Spike, it says you must tootle."

"Tootle?"

"Melodiously trumpet. At first."

"At first," Spike eyed the trumpet and his companion with equal suspicion. "And then what?"

"They may not move, they may still obstacle our passage..."

"Dru, my love, you are making less sense than usual..."

"And then you may tootle with vigor! Oh, tootle, Spike! Tootle for me and Miss Edith!" Dru cried out ecstatically. Spike grinned toothily. 

"All right, pet. You know I can never deny you anything." Spike opened the car door and walked towards one of the people who were currently walking in front of his car. The rather slight man looked up curiously as Spike walked up to him and blew into the trumpet, emitting a caterwauling sound.

"What are you doing?" The man asked curiously. "Why leave your car there?"

"I'm tootling. Do you obstacle my passage?" Spike asked with a cold smile.

"I don't understand..."

Spike tossed the trumpet aside. He slipped into his vampire visage and fed from the man, causing the other people to scream and run away from the vehicle. He dragged the nearly dead man to Dru's side of the car, speaking to him conversationally.

"Don't understand either, mate. But that's what I call tootling with vigor."


End file.
